The Grief, Joy & Surprises of Letting Your Child Go

You spend so much time preparing to bring your child into this world. Then, you spend 18 years preparing your child to leave the nest.

You teach them how to walk, how to drive, how to do their laundry, how to make good decisions, how to handle disappointment and, hopefully, how to find their way in the world.

You encourage them to spread their wings.

You tell them you're excited for them.

You tell everyone how proud you are.

And then they actually leave.

And suddenly you realize there is something nobody really prepared you for.

What happens to you when your child leaves the nest?

“I thought empty nesting would be glorious.”

That was one of the things my niece, Amanda, shared when we talked about becoming an empty nester for the latest episode of What Nobody Tells You.

She thought she would love it.

The freedom.

The quiet.

The ability to make plans without checking anyone else's schedule.

No more worrying about where someone is, when they're coming home or whether they've remembered to eat something besides cereal.

In theory, it sounded pretty great.

And some of it really is.

But what surprised her was how complicated the emotions became once her daughter actually left.

Because you can be incredibly proud of your child and still miss them terribly.

You can be excited about what comes next for them and still wish you could freeze time.

You can love the quiet house and still find yourself listening for the sound of the garage door.

You can experience grief and joy at exactly the same time.

And maybe that's one of the biggest things nobody tells you about empty nesting.

Empty nesting is a loss — even when it's a good thing

When we hear the word loss, we often assume something bad happened.

But not every loss is the result of something going wrong.

Sometimes loss is simply what happens when life changes.

Your child is supposed to grow up.

They're supposed to become independent.

They're supposed to leave home and build a life of their own.

That's the goal.

But that doesn't mean you don't lose something when they do.

You lose the everyday version of your relationship.

The random conversations.

The slammed doors.

The rides to practice.

The grocery-store runs.

The “Can you pick me up?” texts.

The sound of someone else moving around the house.

The role you've played every single day for years.

Experts describe empty nest syndrome as a complicated mix of emotions that can include sadness, grief, loneliness, pride and uncertainty. It's also common for parents to question their identity and purpose when the daily job of parenting suddenly changes.

And that makes sense.

Because you're not just missing a person.

You're adjusting to the loss of a version of your life.

What am I supposed to do with all of this time?

There's another part of empty nesting that can be surprisingly uncomfortable:

You suddenly have time.

For years, your calendar revolved around someone else's schedule.

Now?

You might actually have a Saturday with nothing on it.

At first, that sounds amazing.

But after you've spent decades being needed, having fewer responsibilities can also leave you wondering:

Who am I now?

That's one reason empty nesting can become an identity shift - It's a major life transition.

Your role as a parent hasn't ended. But the way you perform that role has changed.

You're no longer necessarily the person who needs to know where they are, what they're eating, whether they remembered their appointment or if they've done their homework.

You're learning how to be the parent of an adult.

And that's a whole different job.

The things you wish you'd done differently

One of the most meaningful parts of my conversation with Amanda was talking about the things she wishes she had done differently.

Not because she was a bad mother.

Quite the opposite.

Because when your child leaves home, you suddenly have the perspective to look back at all those years and realize just how quickly they went.

You may find yourself thinking:

I wish I had taught her that.

I wish we'd taken more trips.

I wish I'd worried less.

I wish I'd put my phone down more.

I wish I'd taken more pictures.

I wish I'd realized that moment was a moment.

That's a difficult part of becoming an empty nester.

You can know you did your best and still wish you had another chance to do some things differently.

But maybe that's also a reminder for those of us who still have kids at home:

Don't wait for the empty nest to appreciate the life you're living right now.

The dishes will still be there.

The laundry will still be there.

The work will still be there.

Your child won't always be.

Your relationship with your child changes

Here's another thing nobody tells you:

Your relationship with your child doesn't end when they leave.

It changes.

And sometimes figuring out that new relationship is its own adjustment.

You go from being the person who knows the details of their everyday life to someone who may get the highlights.

You can't always fix things for them anymore.

You may have to bite your tongue when they make a decision you wouldn't make.

You have to learn when to offer advice and when to simply listen.

And perhaps most importantly, you have to trust that all those years of parenting prepared them for this moment.

Your job isn't to keep them close.

Your job is to help them become capable of going.

That's a beautiful thing.

It's just not always an easy thing.

And then there's your marriage

For some couples, empty nesting creates an exciting opportunity to reconnect.

For others, it can expose just how much of their relationship has revolved around raising children.

When the kids leave, suddenly it's just the two of you again.

That can be wonderful.

It can also be weird.

Maybe you haven't had this much uninterrupted time together in years.

Maybe you suddenly realize you need to figure out what you actually enjoy doing together.

Maybe you've grown in different directions.

Or maybe you're excited to rediscover each other.

There isn't one “right” way for a marriage to experience the empty nest.

But the transition can create an opportunity to pay attention to the relationship that may have taken a back seat while you were busy raising a family.

And that's another example of the complicated nature of this life transition.

Something can be hard and still be good.

So… is empty nest syndrome actually a thing?

Yes — although the term can be a little misleading.

Empty nest syndrome isn't a medical or mental health diagnosis. It's a common term for the emotional experience some parents have when their children leave home.

And not everyone experiences it the same way.

Some people feel enormous sadness.

Some feel relief.

Some feel lonely.

Some feel liberated.

Some feel all of those things at the same time!

And that's okay.

There is no prize for being the mom who says, “I'm totally fine!”

There is also no prize for being devastated.

Your experience is your experience.

Maybe the goal isn't to “get over” the empty nest

I think this is where the idea of Grief & Joy becomes especially important.

Because what if we stop thinking we have to choose?

What if we can miss the chaos and love the quiet?

What if we can wish our children were still home and be incredibly proud that they're not?

What if we can grieve the mother we were and get excited about the woman we're becoming?

What if the empty nest isn't really empty at all?

Maybe it's simply a space waiting to be filled with something new.

New adventures.

New relationships.

New hobbies.

New travel.

New dreams.

New versions of ourselves.

And maybe that's the real secret of this stage of life:

You aren't losing your child.

You're learning how to love them from a different place.

And you're learning how to live from a different place, too.

If you or someone you know is going through this life transition, it's time to get your Official Empty Nester Card!

There is grief. And there is joy.

Amanda's story reminded me that becoming an empty nester isn't a single emotion.

It's not happiness.

It's not sadness.

It's not freedom.

It's not grief.

It's all of it.

And that's okay.

Because life doesn't always give us one emotion at a time.

Sometimes the most meaningful transitions are the ones where we find ourselves standing right in the middle of grief and joy.

And maybe that's exactly where we're supposed to be.

Want to hear the whole conversation?

In the latest episode of What Nobody Tells You, I sit down with my niece, Amanda, who recently became an empty nester.

We talk about the things she wishes she would have done differently, how becoming an empty nester has changed her relationship with her daughter, what it's been like for her marriage, and the grief, freedom, pride and joy that come with watching your child leave the nest.

Watch the full conversation and hear what nobody tells you about empty nesting.

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Frequently Asked Questions About Empty Nesting

What is empty nest syndrome?

Empty nest syndrome is the term commonly used to describe the feelings some parents experience when their children leave home. Those feelings can include sadness, grief, loneliness, pride, relief and uncertainty about the future. It isn't a clinical diagnosis.

Is it normal to grieve when your child leaves home?

Absolutely. Even when your child is doing exactly what you hoped they would do, their departure represents a significant change in your everyday life. You may be grieving the loss of daily routines, companionship and your familiar role as a parent while simultaneously feeling proud and excited for your child.

How long does empty nest grief last?

There isn't one timeline. Some people adjust relatively quickly, while others find the transition takes much longer. The experience is highly individual and can be affected by your relationship with your child, your identity, your marriage, other life transitions and the support you have around you.

Can an empty nest affect your marriage?

It can. When children leave home, couples may have more opportunity to reconnect, but they may also have to adjust to spending more time together without the structure and responsibilities of parenting.

How do you adjust to an empty nest?

Start by allowing yourself to acknowledge whatever you're feeling rather than deciding you should feel happy or sad. Staying connected with your adult child, investing in relationships and interests outside of parenting, and creating new routines can all help as you adjust to this next chapter.

How do you find yourself again after your kids leave home?

Start by remembering that you are more than your role as a parent. Think about the interests, dreams, friendships and experiences that may have been put on hold while you were raising your family. The empty nest can create space to rediscover parts of yourself — and discover new ones, too.

Because the nest may be empty.

But your life isn't.